Step away from the Girl Scout cookies....

Note to Self:

Self,

Stop. Just STOP. What is your goal? You know how to lose weight. There are rules. You are not following the rules, that is why you are not losing weight. Simple. So stop. Follow the damn rules.

1. Write it down. All of it. Guilt will keep you from eating that 10th thin mint cookie.

2. Exercise. MUST EXERCISE. Remember, even a skinny person looks like crap without muscle tone. Go stare at your arms in the mirror for a minute. Jiggle them.

3. Drink WATER! Drop that diet pepsi! And write it down!

Why are you eating this junk? Healthy food tastes good too! The pleasure of eating will be over in 5 minutes. Then, you are back to square one. WHY are you grazing? Did you take your pill? Drink a glass of water and reevaluate in 15 minutes. Watch the clock. Still hungry? Eat a healthy snack. Candy is NOT an authorized snack.

I know you are tired, frustrated, irritated at the kids and eating on the run... but its not worth it to eat junk. Crappy food will not fix a crappy day. It will only make you feel guilty, bloated- and then you will have a sugar crash and repeat the cycle. So stop. Just stop. Go drink some water.

I've centered my chi...

Whew... panic attack has passed! I went to visit Kim (the administrative assistant for my LPN program) and she calmed my frazzled nerves. Love you Kim! My laptop has been repaired, Praise God! God, the Great Physician (and computer techie, God is very talented) dried up the water and my laptop has come back to life! YAY!! The good folks at Computer Renaissance tweaked my CD-Rom just a bit, so we're back on track! Im SOOOOO happy, I didnt even lose any files! Some good news and some bad news.... found out that summer semester is being condensed into two 5 week segments, so my A&P II class is going to be even more intense than I expected. BUT, I will also have more time off this summer to play with the kiddos and do some camping. Also, on the freak chance that I fail A&P I, I'd be able to retake it during the 1st summer segment and still be on track for A&P II.

When I'm not shopping, cooking or cleaning, I'm focusing on my career!

A Nation of Wimps

There was once a time in my life, when I determined the seriousness of a situation by asking myself, "Will this matter in 10 years?" At the time, the answer was usually no. Now, its suddenly YES! When I first read the article, Nation of Wimps, I thought to myself- geez, what is this huge crisis they're talking about, I dont even know anybody like that! .... yet wait.... MY life is kinda like that. Have I become the victim of my well-meaning helicopter parents, or rather I have transformed into my own propelling force of excellence?
Life isnt as simple as it used to be... want to go to college? Become a nurse? Well isnt that swell, there is a huge nursing shortage... off you go now! Um, NO! Welcome to reality honey... if you want to do those things, you'd better have your shit together, because you just signed up for a long battle uphill in the rain! These days, you'd better be smarter than Virginia Valedictorian, because you're competing directly against her.
"Who," you might ask, "IS Virginia Valedictorian?" I'm sure you've met her before... She's the straight A student who fights for every 100% like she's trying to rip off Mike Tyson's ear! The sample test question:
[picture of a plastic red chair with gray legs] What color is the chair?
a. Red b. Blue C. Gray D. yellow

The correct answer is A. Red, but V.V. chose C. Gray. Her argument? "The legs of the chair are gray. The seat is red, but the supporting structure of the chair is gray. Therefore, the correct answer is gray and you should give me credit for that answer because the question was obviously poorly written". Everybody else in the class is groaning, rolling their eyes, praying she'll just let it go. LET IT GO! You cant always be perfect! Its okay to get an answer wrong!

These days though, maybe its not okay to get the answer wrong. After all, you are competing directly against V.V. for that spot on the program... limited seating after all, they will only accept the best. Your 3.7 GPA is a black smudge compared to her shining 4.2 GPA. How can you even GET a 4.2 GPA? I have no idea, but it is possible and V.V. has discovered the space portal that allows it. Damn her! Next step, become Bionic Student.... because with enough tutoring, studying, and blatant memorization, we can make you Faster... Stronger... Smarter!

Suddenly these moments of self doubt are not just associated with one part of your life, they've overflown into all aspects of it! Average just isnt good enough anymore... sure, at the end of the day your mom will still love you (hopefully!), but your boss wont. People are fighting so hard to be the best- not because of poor self esteem, but simply to build a better life for themselves. Want to buy a bigger house? Take a vacation this year? Replace that old P.O.S car? well honey, you better work a little harder, because nothin' is free.

Now people are so dependent on 'worldly' things... and I am a victim of this myself... cell phones, the internet.... everything is instant gratification. I want it NOW. NOW!!! People just arent willing to wait anymore. Waiting= wasted time, and Wasted time= wasted money and energy. Ever seen anybody flip out because their internet connection was too slow? Yep, I thought so. All that wasted time... we cant help but think that we could have been doing something else! But why must we always be doing something???

Because idle hands are the devil's playtoy! Trust me, if you arent doing something, before long you will be getting into trouble. Perhaps in the old days, we could say to our kids "Go outside and play, why dontcha?" No more! With all the dangers in this world, we need to send them out in a bubble. Have you checked to see how many child predators live in your neighborhood? How close do you live to that powerplant, is your dirt radioactive? Even with a huge fenced yard, parents are fearing the worst- and for good reason. Now, every person who interacts with your child had better be background checked, professionally groomed (polo shirt with embroidered name, anyone?) and educated in early childhood development.

This article claims that our children will not have leadership skills... are you kidding me?!? I think its the opposite, every child is groomed from birth to be perfect- best at school, sports, and interpersonal skills. I read an article the other day about a little girl who was reading full sentences at 18months! Well, whats so great about that? Emma can do that, she just doesnt like to show off! ha, yeah right! How many times have I had to reassure myself that I am not a failure as a parent because my child is developing 'normally' instead of 'accelerated'? Is this the instant gratification issue rearing its head again? Keeping up with the Baby Smiths? And where does it stem from... love for your child, or cushioning your own deteriorating self esteem?

Now, there is a program out there to help kids with everything! In the past, maybe they said to "wait, little Johnny will grow out of it"... nope, you need to be enrolling Johnny in these tutoring programs because I can tell ya just by looking at him- that kid ain't normal! He's preforming at a pre-preschool level. So what if he just turned two, if he's going to catch up to Bill Gates, he better get that thumb out of his mouth and do some real work around here!

Maybe the most revealing part of all this? What do we teach our kids by promoting 'healthy failure'? Competition- because not everybody is 'in on the joke'. Sure, I would love to sit around in a circle, hold my kids hands and sing kumbuya- but while I'm busy nurturing, the other kids will be bullies and kicking dirt in the face of my kids for being 'wimps'. Sooner than later, your kids will figure out that the reason they are being bullied is because they aren't fitting in... not getting A's on test, being picked first for dodgeball, or hanging with the 'cool' kids. Its a cruel dog-eat-dog world.... just pray that someday your child will be lucky enough to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

[Disclaimer! I cannot be held responsible for any blog post written in a moment of anxiety-fueled panic regarding nursing school, or the 'C' I got on my last exam]

my dirty little secret...

Gosh, life can be so stressful!! Trying to be the best, of the best, of the BEST.... makes me want to just lay down and take a nap. I recently had this little idea, that I might start a little part time photography business- just for fun really, not to supplement our income. Its something I had daydreamed about for a few years, but never knew the digital technology enough to be competitive. Now that I am starting to learn this stuff, I think my photos have made a big leap in creativity. But sometimes, after you stare at something for a long time... suddenly it isnt that great anymore. Looks pretty ordinary. So I'm stressed out over that. Pretty silly, huh? This is something that I would like to do, but my own fear of failure is holding me back. In the meantime, I havent really told anybody about my plans to do this. So if you're reading my blog, you're getting the inside track of my brain! Mostly I think my biggest issue is that I pretty much only have pictures of my kids, no other subjects. I need to get out there and shoot some more kids! Anybody have kids they want shot? Ha, not that way! So anyway, if you've read this far, please check out my little portfolio and give me some honest feedback: www.myspace.com/lotwphotography

It takes a whole village.... or at least a small entourage

So Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony had their twins last February, and People magazine is putting out their debut article, complete with pictures and details of the little tot's plush life. Apparently, People shelled out 6 million for the pictures! I saw a preview on their website... J-Lo is wearing an evening gown while holding her angelic sleeping babies. Ahhh, I remember those days! Of course, it wasnt an evening gown- it was a tattered bathrobe- and my baby wasnt sleeping- she was screaming- but I can already tell that I have a lot in common with J-Lo! The article goes on to describe the baby's nursery, which has "silver rattles... on silver trays", their own butler and 2 FT nannies. Also included, fur wraps from D&G. Wonder what that fur will look like after one of the little darlings pukes on it? J-Lo describes how absolutely fabulous motherhood is and some of the parenting decisions she's made. Such as not to breastfeed because "her mom didnt". Whoa, watch out for the backlash from the BFing Nazi's, it can sting!
Anyway, I cant say I really blame her.... if I had that much money and resources at my disposal, I would take advantage too! But I would do it in a different way.

Butler!?! Nanny's??? so cliche, she should try these....

"The Reminder Woman" As she follows you out the door, she is quickly shoving all the necessities that you forgot into your giant designer tote bag! Never leave the house without a spare diaper or bottle again! She will also print out a detailed schedule of your playdates, and call 30 minutes prior to make sure you are running on time!

"The Carpet Cleaner" Baby spit up? Vomit? God forbid, diarrhea?!? No problem! Simply remove the offending baby and bring in the carpet cleaning crew! Similar to the SpotBot, they will have your floors plush and hygenic again in no time! (note: may not be able to entirely remove mashed carrot stains)

"The Lysol Team" Possibly the most requested, this team follows baby around the room and sterilizes everything baby touches! You'll no longer wonder if that is a 'dirty' toy, because everything will be germ free.

"Oriental Dry Cleaning" Absolutely a necessity for the new mother, your dry cleaner will not only clean and press your little darling's outfits, they also have pick-up and delivery!! Let them deal with the pesky spit up stains- so you can focus on more important things, like choosing their next fur wrap.

"HAZMAT Diaper Service" Diaper Genie? Diaper Champ? Those are so last year.... this Hazardous Materials service will quickly swoop down on baby- dressed in their orange spaceman suits- remove the 'offending' diaper, and powder baby's sweet little tush! Then, the diaper will be burned with the other bio-hazardous waste from your home. HAZMAT also cleans up any doggie-doos your designer pooch drops on the carpet!

"Human Dairy Farm" We all know that breastmilk is best.... why deprive your child of that just because you fear disrupting your breast tissue? In the old days, they had wet nurses, but new technology has allowed for human milking machines! This team of lactating women will pump and store their breastmilk in your refrigerator- making it easy for the nanny's to fix a bottle for feedings! After all, wouldn't it weird you out to have your baby suckling on another woman's breast?

Congratulations Jennifer and Marc! Remember, save that 6 million dollars for your kids future therapy sessions!

behold.... the power of photoshop!

Before: chicken wing arm fat













After: I do 100 push-ups a day. One handed.

I scream in pitches so high only dogs can hear, because I cant hear myself

Well, after almost 2 months of double ear infections, 4 different antibiotics, and multiple pediatrician visits..... Addison is being sent to the pediatric ENT (ear/nose/throat) specialist. Bless her heart, Addison has been the happiest baby through all this... you would never know that she's in pain from taking care of her. Right now, our appointment is set for March 25, but I am trying to get a sooner date for us. She'll probably get tubes in her ear, that is my guess. Poor little sug!

we live in a dirty, dirty world

Long Term Effects of Spanking

Several things came to mind when I read this article...

1. Golly gee! No wonder sexuality is perverting America!
2. Hmm, I spank my kids (well, kid, Addison hasnt done anything THAT bad yet)
3. well, I was spanked as a kid!.... oh wait.....

Two great hot-topic subjects, all rolled into one overgeneralized study! What to do, what to do? Well first, I really think there is a place for spanking- sometimes its the only thing that will get a kids attention. However, there is a big difference between spanking and abuse! A swat on the bottom is not the same as beating the tar out of them! A few examples of when I have spanked Emma: when she didnt respond to time out, when she did something to endanger herself or someone else and when she was being willfully disobedient.

But at the same time.... how are we supposed to teach our children that hitting is wrong if we hit them? Hmmmmm. For now, I'm just going to go with the theory that 'To everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven' .... you know... a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to grieve, a time to dance, a time to quietly correct your child, and a time to turn them over your knee!

For your amusement.... the other day- a rather trying day- Emma was being 'willfully disobedient' (i.e. she was laughing manically and running away from me as I threatened and chased her). So I said to her "Emma, if you do not stop RIGHT NOW, you will get a spanking when I catch you". Did she stop? haha, yeah right... now that wouldnt be a very good story, now would it? So I run after her up the stairs and manage to wrangle her in the entry way. Good to my word, I grab her little arm (*hehehe, she's still laughing*), pull down her pants and diaper (*hehe, isnt it funny, mommy?*) and SMACK! Well, she's not laughing now! Neither is mommy though, because in my hast, I didnt notice she had a poopy diaper and ended up with a hand covered in shit.

As for sexual, um, delinquency.... we'll leave that for another day ;)

...and my ego has now be deflated!

Wow..... My brain has just been sucked through my magnum foramen. ouch! Thats code for: Erica took her A&P Lab midterm and found out that she has a knowledge deficit related to bone structures (aka the little knobby parts), possibly caused by lack of studying/blatant memorization. Perhaps the highlight of my test was when I answered "Little Spiney" for the name of a bone. I think is a bone that goes somewhere in your head, but Im not really sure. Man, you would be amazed how many bones are in your head (hint: its not just one giant skull), and how many holes are in your head (hint: lots, and they have fancy names). Note to self: next time spend more time studying the skull and less time studying LPN flashcards. damn.

That's NURSE Ratched to you, buddy!

I passed my nursing boards!!! YES!!!! So it's official, I'm a nurse now!!

Wow, it's amazing that this chunk of the journey is already over.... doesnt seem like so long ago that I was anxiously awaiting my acceptance into LPN school, and now its over!! This is probably the accomplishment in my life that I am the most proud of (besides my rockin' marriage and adorable kids, 'course!)! So where does this leave me? Still in school. I could be finished for now if I wanted, but its important to me to keep going for my RN... but this was a very big hurdle in my race! Yay me!!

the agony of mom jeans....

Why is it.....

I go shopping for jeans, and because of my generous blessings in the ass department, I find myself in the 'womans' section. After searching through row and rows of tapered leg, stonewashed jeans *insert shudder here*, I manage to find a few pairs of dark rinse, boot cut jeans. Or, even better, the flare cut- because it makes my thighs look smaller. Find the correct size, try them on.... and they fit! Then the check list....

Mid-rise- no butt crack, but no where close to the belly button

Length- MUST be long enough to nicely fall over the tops of my shoes.... with a smidge extra for when I am wearing heels

Tightness- Its important to hug those curves.... just say no to camel toe and saggy ass syndrome.

Do a full look over in the mirror..... lookin good!


Now.... take them home, wear them, wash them..... suddenly they have morphed into 'mom' jeans. OMG, how does this happen?? Mysteriously, the waist has crept up to my belly button, the length has shrunk an inch.... I'm wearing high waters now- and you simply cannot try to pass those off as a capri. Another $50 wasted on mom jeans incognito. Of course, this never occurs until after I have worn them a couple times and decided I like them enough to throw out the receipt. And so they will sit, at the bottom of my drawer... never to be thought of again until that desperate day when I have absolutely NOTHING else that is clean. Sad, sad day.