It takes a whole village.... or at least a small entourage

So Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony had their twins last February, and People magazine is putting out their debut article, complete with pictures and details of the little tot's plush life. Apparently, People shelled out 6 million for the pictures! I saw a preview on their website... J-Lo is wearing an evening gown while holding her angelic sleeping babies. Ahhh, I remember those days! Of course, it wasnt an evening gown- it was a tattered bathrobe- and my baby wasnt sleeping- she was screaming- but I can already tell that I have a lot in common with J-Lo! The article goes on to describe the baby's nursery, which has "silver rattles... on silver trays", their own butler and 2 FT nannies. Also included, fur wraps from D&G. Wonder what that fur will look like after one of the little darlings pukes on it? J-Lo describes how absolutely fabulous motherhood is and some of the parenting decisions she's made. Such as not to breastfeed because "her mom didnt". Whoa, watch out for the backlash from the BFing Nazi's, it can sting!
Anyway, I cant say I really blame her.... if I had that much money and resources at my disposal, I would take advantage too! But I would do it in a different way.

Butler!?! Nanny's??? so cliche, she should try these....

"The Reminder Woman" As she follows you out the door, she is quickly shoving all the necessities that you forgot into your giant designer tote bag! Never leave the house without a spare diaper or bottle again! She will also print out a detailed schedule of your playdates, and call 30 minutes prior to make sure you are running on time!

"The Carpet Cleaner" Baby spit up? Vomit? God forbid, diarrhea?!? No problem! Simply remove the offending baby and bring in the carpet cleaning crew! Similar to the SpotBot, they will have your floors plush and hygenic again in no time! (note: may not be able to entirely remove mashed carrot stains)

"The Lysol Team" Possibly the most requested, this team follows baby around the room and sterilizes everything baby touches! You'll no longer wonder if that is a 'dirty' toy, because everything will be germ free.

"Oriental Dry Cleaning" Absolutely a necessity for the new mother, your dry cleaner will not only clean and press your little darling's outfits, they also have pick-up and delivery!! Let them deal with the pesky spit up stains- so you can focus on more important things, like choosing their next fur wrap.

"HAZMAT Diaper Service" Diaper Genie? Diaper Champ? Those are so last year.... this Hazardous Materials service will quickly swoop down on baby- dressed in their orange spaceman suits- remove the 'offending' diaper, and powder baby's sweet little tush! Then, the diaper will be burned with the other bio-hazardous waste from your home. HAZMAT also cleans up any doggie-doos your designer pooch drops on the carpet!

"Human Dairy Farm" We all know that breastmilk is best.... why deprive your child of that just because you fear disrupting your breast tissue? In the old days, they had wet nurses, but new technology has allowed for human milking machines! This team of lactating women will pump and store their breastmilk in your refrigerator- making it easy for the nanny's to fix a bottle for feedings! After all, wouldn't it weird you out to have your baby suckling on another woman's breast?

Congratulations Jennifer and Marc! Remember, save that 6 million dollars for your kids future therapy sessions!

behold.... the power of photoshop!

Before: chicken wing arm fat













After: I do 100 push-ups a day. One handed.

I scream in pitches so high only dogs can hear, because I cant hear myself

Well, after almost 2 months of double ear infections, 4 different antibiotics, and multiple pediatrician visits..... Addison is being sent to the pediatric ENT (ear/nose/throat) specialist. Bless her heart, Addison has been the happiest baby through all this... you would never know that she's in pain from taking care of her. Right now, our appointment is set for March 25, but I am trying to get a sooner date for us. She'll probably get tubes in her ear, that is my guess. Poor little sug!

we live in a dirty, dirty world

Long Term Effects of Spanking

Several things came to mind when I read this article...

1. Golly gee! No wonder sexuality is perverting America!
2. Hmm, I spank my kids (well, kid, Addison hasnt done anything THAT bad yet)
3. well, I was spanked as a kid!.... oh wait.....

Two great hot-topic subjects, all rolled into one overgeneralized study! What to do, what to do? Well first, I really think there is a place for spanking- sometimes its the only thing that will get a kids attention. However, there is a big difference between spanking and abuse! A swat on the bottom is not the same as beating the tar out of them! A few examples of when I have spanked Emma: when she didnt respond to time out, when she did something to endanger herself or someone else and when she was being willfully disobedient.

But at the same time.... how are we supposed to teach our children that hitting is wrong if we hit them? Hmmmmm. For now, I'm just going to go with the theory that 'To everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven' .... you know... a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to grieve, a time to dance, a time to quietly correct your child, and a time to turn them over your knee!

For your amusement.... the other day- a rather trying day- Emma was being 'willfully disobedient' (i.e. she was laughing manically and running away from me as I threatened and chased her). So I said to her "Emma, if you do not stop RIGHT NOW, you will get a spanking when I catch you". Did she stop? haha, yeah right... now that wouldnt be a very good story, now would it? So I run after her up the stairs and manage to wrangle her in the entry way. Good to my word, I grab her little arm (*hehehe, she's still laughing*), pull down her pants and diaper (*hehe, isnt it funny, mommy?*) and SMACK! Well, she's not laughing now! Neither is mommy though, because in my hast, I didnt notice she had a poopy diaper and ended up with a hand covered in shit.

As for sexual, um, delinquency.... we'll leave that for another day ;)

...and my ego has now be deflated!

Wow..... My brain has just been sucked through my magnum foramen. ouch! Thats code for: Erica took her A&P Lab midterm and found out that she has a knowledge deficit related to bone structures (aka the little knobby parts), possibly caused by lack of studying/blatant memorization. Perhaps the highlight of my test was when I answered "Little Spiney" for the name of a bone. I think is a bone that goes somewhere in your head, but Im not really sure. Man, you would be amazed how many bones are in your head (hint: its not just one giant skull), and how many holes are in your head (hint: lots, and they have fancy names). Note to self: next time spend more time studying the skull and less time studying LPN flashcards. damn.

That's NURSE Ratched to you, buddy!

I passed my nursing boards!!! YES!!!! So it's official, I'm a nurse now!!

Wow, it's amazing that this chunk of the journey is already over.... doesnt seem like so long ago that I was anxiously awaiting my acceptance into LPN school, and now its over!! This is probably the accomplishment in my life that I am the most proud of (besides my rockin' marriage and adorable kids, 'course!)! So where does this leave me? Still in school. I could be finished for now if I wanted, but its important to me to keep going for my RN... but this was a very big hurdle in my race! Yay me!!

the agony of mom jeans....

Why is it.....

I go shopping for jeans, and because of my generous blessings in the ass department, I find myself in the 'womans' section. After searching through row and rows of tapered leg, stonewashed jeans *insert shudder here*, I manage to find a few pairs of dark rinse, boot cut jeans. Or, even better, the flare cut- because it makes my thighs look smaller. Find the correct size, try them on.... and they fit! Then the check list....

Mid-rise- no butt crack, but no where close to the belly button

Length- MUST be long enough to nicely fall over the tops of my shoes.... with a smidge extra for when I am wearing heels

Tightness- Its important to hug those curves.... just say no to camel toe and saggy ass syndrome.

Do a full look over in the mirror..... lookin good!


Now.... take them home, wear them, wash them..... suddenly they have morphed into 'mom' jeans. OMG, how does this happen?? Mysteriously, the waist has crept up to my belly button, the length has shrunk an inch.... I'm wearing high waters now- and you simply cannot try to pass those off as a capri. Another $50 wasted on mom jeans incognito. Of course, this never occurs until after I have worn them a couple times and decided I like them enough to throw out the receipt. And so they will sit, at the bottom of my drawer... never to be thought of again until that desperate day when I have absolutely NOTHING else that is clean. Sad, sad day.